Deep shame: when everything feels like your fault
When shame shapes the way you see yourself
Shame is one of the most painful emotions we can experience, yet it is often one of the hardest to recognise.
Rather than believing we have made a mistake, shame can tell us that there is something wrong with who we are. It can leave you feeling not good enough, unlovable or somehow different from everyone else. You may blame yourself for what has happened, feel that everything is your fault, or believe that you should have been able to cope better.
Many people live with these feelings for years without realising that shame has been quietly shaping the way they see themselves, their work and their relationships.
Where shame can come from
For many people, shame has its roots in childhood experiences of abuse, neglect, criticism or emotional neglect. When a child is repeatedly blamed, dismissed or made to feel responsible for what has happened to them, they can carry those beliefs into adulthood.
The child carries a burden that was never theirs to begin with.
Shame can also be held beneath anxiety, depression, perfectionism, people-pleasing or burnout. You may feel that you need to try harder, do more or care for everyone else before yourself. You may be very capable in the world, while privately feeling that you are not enough.
These ways of coping may once have helped you feel safer or more accepted. But over time, they can become exhausting.
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When shame affects your work and relationships
For people working in health care or mental health, shame can make it hard to ask for support. You may feel that you need to hold everything together, even when the work is affecting you. You may worry that struggling means you are not good enough at your job, despite giving so much to others.
Shame can make you withdraw from the people close to you, hide parts of yourself or find it difficult to accept care and kindness. You may become overly focused on meeting everyone else’s expectations while neglecting your own needs.
You may be triggered or have your own feelings of shame activated by those people you are caring for who have deep shame. Shame about their lifestyle, addictions or behaviours. Or their emotional overwhelm that arises when they come into care. You feel their pain at a deep level but can’t understand why.
Having spent more than 40 years working in health care as a nurse, I understand the pressure to keep caring, even when your own pain needs attention. You deserve a place where you do not need to minimise what you have been through or explain away what you feel.
A gentler relationship with yourself
My counselling and psychotherapy practice offers a space to understand shame with curiosity rather than judgement. Shame tells us something about what you have experienced; it does not tell us your worth as a person.
Body-based Breathwork may support you to notice where shame is felt in your body and make space for it with compassion. At a pace that feels right for you, it can offer another way to explore what may be asking for care and attention, without forcing you to revisit painful experiences before you are ready.
Being supported to feel that emotion of shame, and having someone witness you with compassion can be healing in itself.
To learn more about this approach, visit my Breathwork page.